Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Salma's Task 2 essay on parenting + Tony's Comments

Salma kindly wrote this essay and I re-print the original essay and my revised draft below:

34. Many people believe that women make better parents than men and this is why they have a greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answer.


In many societies they believe that the man is leader of the family and has the important role than the women, however, in other societies they have different opinion. They stressed that the women is play an vital role in family as well as the children and has a big influence in their life. In this essay I will discuss the different opinions the for and against the opinion which says that the women make better parents than men.

Some people think that the women are better parents than the men. They mentioned many reasons behind this opinion. One of the reasons are that the women spend more time with their children. However, that the time which the men spent it at home is less comparing with women's time. Because the men are responsible for offering the family the good life for their families. In this case, they worked as much as they can. On the other hand, some men work tow shifts or more and this lead to be away from home for long time such as more than 12 hours in worse cases. So the women take care of their children and played her role as a mother and father's role. For example, this case more obvious in many Arab countries such as Egypt especially if the man go to other countries to work. According to this the women will be responsible for all duties.

In contrary, some people believe that the men is better parents than women for many reasons. Such as the men is responsible about the family and he is the leader who guide the family. Also they stressed that men only them who has the right to take the decisions regarding the family issues. For example, if children need money or need to buy something they will go directly to their father. Because the know that he is the leader of the family so he has the money. Also from their point of view, they believe that the women cant take the men role in family because she is following the men and know what her role and his role.

In conclusion, I believe that the women are better parents than the men, because the women stayed long time with her children. In addition, this will give her the opportunity to be close to them and to share with them all types of day life. On the other hand, the children will notice this and that way we find the majority of children more close to their mother than father. For instance, I personally more close to my mother than father because when I was children my father used to travel a lot according to his work. So my mother take care of me while my father away.

(464 words)

February 20, 2007 9:18 PM


34. Many people believe that women make better parents than men and this is why they have a greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answer.


In many societies it is believed that the father is the leader of the family and has the more important role than the mother. However, in other societies people have different opinions. They stress that the woman plays a vital part in the family as well as raising the children. In this essay I will discuss the different opinions for and against the view which says that women make better parents than men.

Some people consider that the women are better parents than the men for a variety of reasons. One of the main explanations is that the women spend a significant amount of time with their children. However, that the time which the men spent at home is less compared to women's contact. This is because the men are responsible for offering the family the good life for their families. In this case, they work as much as they can. On the other hand, some men work two shifts or more and this leads to them being away from home for long periods such as more than twelve hours in the worst cases. So the woman takes care of the children and plays the role of mother and father. For example, this is clearly the case in many Arab countries such as Egypt especially if the man goes to work in other countries. Accordingly, the women will be responsible for all household duties.

In contrast, some people believe that the men are better parents than women on various grounds. One is that the men is responsible for the family and he is the leader who guides the family. Also they emphasize that only men them have the right to take the decisions regarding the family issues. For example, if children need money to buy something they will go directly to their father. This is because they know that he is the leader of the family and so he has the money. Also from the children's point of view they perceive that the women cannot take the men's role in the family because she follows the men and knows the difference between their respective roles.

In conclusion, I believe that the women are better parents than the men because the women stays constantly with her children. In addition, this enables her to be close to them and to share all aspects of daily life. At the same time, the children will notice this and that is why we find the majority of children are closer to their mother than father. For instance, I personally have more in common with my mother than my father because when I was young he used to travel a lot due to his work. So my mother take care of me in my father's absence.

(460 words)


Mistakes / amendments are in italics. One particular grammar mistake is left for Salma to correct bold red italic!!!.

Salma is a great believer in the 'for' and 'against' approach. I would like her to deal with ONE side of the question and give her personal experience as a daughter, wife (?) mother (?) to bolster her argument. IELTS wants you to refer to your life / society / culture / family. Otherwise it gets very general and rather bland - "people" "people" "people" - who are you referring to?

The essay is very long - this gives scope for more mistakes to catch the examiner's attention and leads to repetition. You must 'knock off' such an essay in 250 - 300 words in UNDER 40 minutes!

Good luck, Salma and all the other 24 Feb candidates, I'll be thinking of you!

Best regards

Tony


1 comment:

salma said...

Hi Tony,

Thank you for your comments and I will try to enhance my writing according to your useful comments.

Regards,
salma